Wednesday, February 25, 2004


Wink Martindale Got Me Laid, part 4

I met Miss Hell, appropriately enough, on Halloween, 1989, when I came to pick up John to go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. She had been a friend of John’s, and had heard from him about my game show experiences. We talked at the theater that night, and I kissed her before the night was over. We didn’t start going out right away, but we got to be friends. When the shows were airing, I skipped class a few times and went to watch them at her place.

Why did Miss Hell take such a liking to me? Was it because I was witty, charming, and handsome? No. It was because I had money, and I was weak.

Picture it; you’re nineteen, a virgin, and such a geek that on your first night in Canada you only had one beer. And here was a girl, not unattractive (well, not repulsively unattractive), who’s paying attention to you, and dropping subtle hints that there might be some good lovin’ in store. I fell for it like the sap I was. Even after she started going out with John, she still kept hinting that I could be the one.

I didn’t even catch on after the comics incident. Miss Hell read comics (one of her few good points) and asked to borrow some of mine. She picked out some choice ones; Batman Year One by Frank Miller, The Killing Joke by Alan Moore, some New Mutants issues signed by Chris Claremont, and others. All good comics, all with a decent guide value. I never saw them again.

She called me in tears a few days later. She said that she couldn’t find them, and she felt terrible. I got her calmed down and we tried to figure out what happened. Sniffing back tears, she recalled that John had spent the night a few days before, around the last time she saw them. Well, of course, John must have taken them, right?

The best part was, she convinced me to turn around and steal some of his comics, which we sold at a shop out of town. Guess how much of the money I kept? Percentage-wise, less than my game show winnings.

So why did I stay with her? Even after I realized what was going on, why didn’t I put a stop to things? Well, first of all, things fizzled with her and John right around the new year, which meant that she was once again open for business. Second, as I said, I was weak. And third, my parents hated her. With a vengeance.

Of course, they hated all my friends at the time. John was a punker, who favored black clothes and earrings, which, to my parents, meant Satan. Seriously. In fact, John turned out to be the innocent victim in all this, and I feel terrible for the things I did to him back then. Since Miss Hell was John’s girlfriend, they wrote her off even before they met her. To them, nobody who was taking up all their little boy’s time could be any good at all, and they took every opportunity to tell me so.

The fact that they turned out to be right meant nothing to me. All I saw was that they were being unreasonable—my Mom would only refer to her as “that girl”—which just made me want to be with her even more. We would fight, about the money, about her, and who else could I go to for support? She had driven away all my other friends. She said all the right things, made me seem the wronged party, as she went on playing her game.

NEXT: Wink Martindale Gets Me Laid.

Copyright 2004 Rich Bowen

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