Thursday, May 13, 2004


Let There Be Lips

Part 5: Trouble and Seat Wetting

As I’ve said, people go to Rocky Horror for a number of reasons; for the music, for the chance to yell and scream like a dang fool, to find like-minded people. But, for red-blooded males like us, there’s one factor that can’t be ignored, and that factor is…young girls running around in kinky underwear.

It’s shallow, I know, and a bit dirty to be talking about at my age. But come on, there I was, twenty years old, hormones in full swing, surrounded by acres of female flesh of all ages, shapes and sizes, in various states of undress.

During my time as Eddie I spent every Friday and Saturday night dancing with a girl in hot pants and fishnets, tossing her up in the air and having her come down and wrap her legs around my waist, at which point I would throw her down on the floor and…well, you’ve seen the movie. Later, as Dr. Scott during the floor show, Janet would often plunk her teddy-clad self on my lap in my wheelchair. During the double-butt shot when Rocky carries Frank up the tower, when the audience would yell “two best seats in the house!” I would fire back with, “yeah, I’m sitting in one and the other’s sitting on me!”

You’d have Janet, starting out in her innocent little pink skirt and quickly stripping down to her (charming) underclothes. Columbia, in those cute little pajamas and Mickey Mouse ears. And for me, with my thing for redheads and my thing for French maid costumes—there’s Magenta!

And many of the male characters would also be played by females. When Danetta first appeared as Frank, John and I turned to each other and mouthed a silent “oh my god.” The Neptune has a long tradition of girls as Rocky; better not to ask why, but there’s just something about a sexy girl wrapped up like a mummy.

And on top of that, you’d have an audience full of girls gothing themselves up, donning floorshow costumes, some just getting out of their rainbows and unicorns phase, others already in full-on slut mode. I’d be trying to get through the floorshow, and there’d be Dagmar (yes, that was really her name) slowly unbuttoning her white blouse, deliberately trying to distract me.

Of course, not all women at Rocky were goddesses of lust. For every 16-year-old trying out her first garter belt, there’d be Pauline or Miss Hell. For every repressed housewife, getting in touch with her inner slut by playing Janet (and hitting on Brad), there’d be…Pauline or Miss Hell.

Understand, this has nothing to do with their size. There were other girls there who were much larger than Pauline or Miss Hell, and who still set my heart aflutter when I think of them. No, a skank is a skank, no matter their size or shape. And they were skanks.

There was a postscript, of sorts, to their involvement in this saga. When Rocky came to Lincoln Plaza, Pauline was in a magical, fireworks-in-the-sky relationship with a guy named Eric. When their eternal, holy and pure bond fell apart after three months, guess who was there to pick up the pieces?

Make no mistake; there was no heat between Eric and Miss Hell. No fireworks, no chemistry, no spark. Miss Hell stayed with Eric for one reason, and one reason only: to keep Pauline from getting him back.

Pauline who relished any excuse for a breakdown, began showing up every weekend, often drunk, and progressively more unstable. One night, while playing Columbia, she changed the line “you’ve gotta choose between me and Rocky,” to “me and Michelle,” at which point I walked off the stage. Well, rolled my wheelchair off.

As for Miss Hell and Eric, their eternal, holy and pure love ended the weekend the New Kids On The Block played the Tacoma Dome. That was when she invited him to join her at the hotel room she rented next to the dome, in hopes of getting to interact with her idols (three of whom, remember, she had slept with). A hotel room she paid for by stealing Eric’s dad’s credit card.

But Pauline and Miss Hell didn’t stay long. Most of the girls there were more like Leah, or Dena, or Danetta, bright, beautiful ladies who we all adored, even as they inspired some truly depraved fantasies. Or Jessica, the wunderkind redhead who graduated high school at 16, and went through the virgin ceremony six times, just because she enjoyed playing the Fake An Orgasm game. Or Jeni (aka “Gyeni”), the “goth muppet.” Or Jeni’s friend Katy, who…

No. Too personal.

Jeni as Columbia: Eat your heart out, Ann Miller
Jessica as Janet, playing Fake An Orgasm
I’ll close this installment with some wisdom I picked up during those days. If you are a straight man, and can play Frank N. Furter well…the ladies will be all over you. What you do with them is, of course, up to you.

Copyright 2004 Rich Bowen

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