Tuesday, June 08, 2004


Let There Be Lips

Part 10: My love of a certain dope

There was one problem with everyone thinking I was cool and wanting to hang out with me. And that was that, once you get to know me, not only am I decidedly not cool, I can be a bit of a tool.

I think Vicky was the first one to find this out. Vicky was a cute 19-year old who inherited the part of Columbia from Dena not long after I took over as Brad. One night we ‘hooked up’ as the kids say, while drunk at a party. Can you see a pattern emerging there? I found out that she had actually been crushing on me for a long time.

So it should have been the beginning of a long, happy relationship, right? But once I found out how she felt, I instantly became afraid of suddenly doing or saying the wrong thing. As a result, I hardly did or said anything around her. Despite this, I thought things were going okay, until one night her old boyfriend came to Rocky Horror, and she spent most of the night holding his hand and kissing him.

That began another pattern—I was always the last to know when I was being broken up with.

Jessica was my next victim. After being a longtime audience member, Jessica took the plunge into the cast as Columbia, then later as Janet to my Brad. One of her signature jokes as Janet was, when Brad and Janet kiss at the end of “Dammit Janet,” Jessica would throw herself at me, knocking me to the ground even though I was roughly four times her size. You know how Brad puts his arm around Janet’s waist during Frank’s song “I’m Going Home?” She would press her small, lingerie-clad body against me, setting off small explosions in my bloodstream.

Despite all this, I was still surprised to hear from Leah that Jessica had a crush on me. But hey, I was all for it. She was adorable, smart, and funny as hell. Unfortunately, she was also sixteen.

One night, though, when some of us went out dancing, we threw caution to the winds and spent most of the night making out. I stopped fighting my impulses, I surrendered to our forbidden desires, and all that romance novel shite. Then—oh, I’m so proud of this—when I dropped her off at home, I gave her one last kiss…then I blurted out “I love you.”

She bolted from the car.

Literally. Took off running.

So that breakup followed the pattern of the previous one, in that, a couple of weeks later, Chris, who had just come back from college and was oblivious to all of this, informed me that he and Jessica had started a thing.

That was also the beginning of a new pattern in my breakups, with the girl dumping me for Chris.

I dated a couple more girls, but never managed such a spectacular flameout. With Katy, it was the same as with Vicky—I was too afraid of my spazzitude being discovered to enjoy it. At least with her, we had a proper breakup before she ended up with Chris. After that was Alexis, our most recent Magenta. She was, I found out, quite into me—while all I could think about was how to try to get Katy back.

Usually when I tell these stories to people, Chris ends up looking like the bad guy. But I should point out that it’s been at least five years since I’ve seen any of the girls I’ve talked about here, while Chris is still my best friend. And we’re both happily married.

No, not to each other.

Copyright 2004 Rich Bowen

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